I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
