this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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