I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
