Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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