the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
