I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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