Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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