Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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