Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
