I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize