at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
