Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
