Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize