she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
