Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
