And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
