I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
