My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
