I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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