This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
