I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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