Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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