You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
