just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
