im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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