I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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