I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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