wrigley field is MILF paradise
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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