you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
