yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
