They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
