wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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