I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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