OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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