He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize