at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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