we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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