When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
