I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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