Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You need a sexual gate keeper
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
