Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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