Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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