Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
