I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
