I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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