do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
