I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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