Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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