I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
home. puking in laundry basket.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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