lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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