My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize