I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
