You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
