On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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