you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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