I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
