If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
