A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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