I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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