I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
this just has baby written all over it
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
