You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
