I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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