I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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