I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
please come you make the beer taste better
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
