Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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