My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
