they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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