Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
