life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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