dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize