it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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