Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
