apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
