I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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