did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
