life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
