all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
