My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
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